Aren’t relationships interesting? Whether it is a relationship between a parent and child, brother and sister, owner and pet, they all vary. It’s so strange to me that I am single…and I actually am fine with it. I used to go from one relationship to another pretty quickly because (I think, subconsciously) I was afraid of being alone…or not really “afraid” but more like I enjoyed the company of other people. I don’t have to even be doing anything fun or interesting. I just like having someone to hang out with and hold hands while watching TV or grocery shopping or just talking. Its nice to have a best friend who you can also enjoy a romantic intimacy with.
My picker is apparently broken. It has gotten better over the years, but still isn’t 100%. I actually made a list. I made this list in 2012 after a serious relationship ended. I actually ended it! That, like, never happens. Anyway, the list. I made this list because when I broke up with him I felt empowered and very clear headed and not devastated and depressed like I normally would after a break up. I made a list of what I want in a partner. This list was made when my heart wasn’t in love and my mind was strong and independent. This is the list I gauge future relationships off of. These are qualities, characteristics, values, etc. and they are deal breakers. The reason I made the list is because usually when you start to have feelings for someone you begin to justify their faults. Now, I am not talking about they bite their nails or leave wet towels on the floor. I am talking about they can’t hold a stable job, they have a gambling problem, anger issues, no empathy, unforgiving, don’t share the same beliefs, abuse drugs, etc. Big things like this cannot be negotiated. Also, I know now (finally) that I cannot change anyone. They need to want to change themselves. I am not going to wait around for it either or try to mother or motivate them to do this. That isn’t my problem. It is theirs and it is their loss if they cannot see that life is too short to not want to do some self reflection and self improvements.
I didn’t have another serious relationship until August 2016. It felt different than the other relationships. He met everything on my list, or so I thought. People are never really themselves for the first few months of a new relationship. Well, they really don’t show their true colors until about a year or so into the relationship. Isn’t that annoying?! What a waste of time. This relationship seemed perfect, well, as close as you can get to it. Everything was so simple and just flowed, but then he just distanced himself. Bottom line, he had emotional baggage. He had never been in love before and for some reason wasn’t able to allow himself to get close to someone emotionally. I feel sorry for him really. We broke up because I dragged it out of him since I could tell he wasn’t really happy. He won’t ever be truly happy until he finds love in life.
Luckily, I have Abigail. For now, she is my partner in crime. We have a lot of fun together and I know it isn’t exactly comparing apples to oranges, but this is what God has blessed me with. I need to focus on the blessings. Being single has so much perks that sometimes you don’t see how you can ever allow someone to get involved in your set little routines and comfort. But, if you find the really right person it will fit. At least, that is what I hear.
I enjoy the relationships I do have. My friends, my family, my dog and all the new people I haven’t even met yet. It is an adventure and you never know when that person may come along. Until then, I am enjoying life and staying positive. I believe in God and I know that there is always a reason for everything. My mind cannot ever be able to comprehend His plan but I am excited to see where He is leading me.
Mindful Journey 