Have you ever heard of praying for your future spouse? I read a book about five years ago…or maybe 6 or 7…anyway, it was interesting and weird. I remember when I was little my mom told me that my husband is out there somewhere. He is experiencing his childhood too and one day we would meet.
But does everyone have a soulmate? Does everyone have this one person they are supposed to spend their life with? Or are they supposed to have many loves and relationships over their lifetime? I have no clue. I just know that I am really surprised that I never got married. But then again, the older I get, the more I am used to being alone. I actually enjoy it. Yes, I have Abigail, but I call all the shots pretty much.
I don’t have to check in. I can leave chores til I feel like doing them. No one is nagging me or controlling my money. I like this. I like being in control and having my time to myself. I used to hate being alone. I would spend time with family and friends until they were sick of me. I would be annoyed when I couldn’t hang out because they had to spend quality time with their significant other. I would go home and read.
I used to not like reading. When I was pregnant with Abigail I didn’t have any friends anymore. I sat at home and watched movies alone. I would lay in bed at night reading the Bible. I got to the New Testament and then was tired of reading it. I read a ton of Nora Roberts and Nicholas Sparks books. I liked reading things that seemed far fetched and predictable and easy. They were comforting and kept my mind on something other than my worries and anxious thoughts.
I am all over the place with topics tonight. Wow. Anyway, so yeah. I like being alone now. I am almost so used to being alone that it is hard to see how anyone would fit into my life and Abigail’s too. We are not typical. You would have to have some amazing qualities to be able to survive in our lifestyle. Especially with her having special needs and me having my own needs as well. I don’t dwell on this anymore. I used to. I used to hate being alone. I would whine about how it isn’t fair. I would try to figure out why I wasn’t what someone wanted. But now, I have higher self esteem and self worth. I have had many years to focus on me and get to know myself. I have had many years to focus on my daughter.
I know what I want. I know exactly what we need and we will not settle for anything less than that. I have prayed for my future spouse. If I ever do find him I will let him know this and it will be cool to think that the times I was praying for him he really needed it. Everyone needs a good prayer in their lives. It can do some powerful things. Even if you don’t pray, God is with you. Whether you believe it or not. He won’t leave you. I know this because I have written so much over the years, to myself. I look back on things that I totally forgot about. I can see how things change and you don’t have much control and you cannot predict as well as you think you can.
My mom used to tell me when I was a kid to always enjoy each stage of your life. Don’t ever look forward to being somewhere else, just be happy with where you are at right now. She knew about this whole mindfulness movement before it was even a thing!
It does feel a little out of control at times, but I cannot structure every little thing. I do get impatient at times or feel like I am getting to old to meet someone. I also think about how it could be better or it would be nicer if…but then I need to be thankful for what I do have and where I am at now and how far I have come.